An ode to old friends (So it begins)
Its midnight, April is sleeping, and the house is quiet. Its kinda different actually. Since moving back to GF, it is amazing how full our lives are. With work, with friends, with family, and with plans for the future. It just amazes me... Devils Lake was quiet, a comfortable type of boring, the kind of place where you always felt like there wasnt enough to do. Coming back to GF.... well it almost feels like the old days, the high school / early college days.
Now, before you get all "Kevin, get out of the past" on me let me elaborate.
It is the same.... but the players have changed. (and what follows is my views)
Doug: Out of all of us, Doug has changed the most in situation, but the least relative to "who he really is" Doug is, has been, and always will be... one eccentric SOB. Some feel he is just plain weird. To me, that is what makes Doug. In all honesty he has never changed to me...with the exception of becoming a father. And as to that, pre-birth, I had some doubts....as did he im sure. I never thought of what Doug would be like as a dad, couldnt see him playing with kids, or having the patience. This is Doug's change. He still is odd, he still does thing's "his way", and he still takes off on long walks with no other purpose than going. But Doug has gained patience, and gained a lot of responsibility, and probably is the most humble person you will ever meet. But the one thing that always draws me to Doug is his ability to dream. He has never fully "quit" on the idea of "the band", after all that has happened. He still draws, and dreams of doing comics. He looks at things as "could be's". I envy that...as looking forward often brings me more worries than anything else. He has always helped me when I asked, without question, complaint or excuse. I owe him more than he knows.
Butto: He's changed, but he will never admit it. He, out of any of us, still probably has the most energy compared to the high school years. He puts up a great front of vitality, energy, intelligence. He is one of the few people who can talk about things that most other people have never heard of. He is always up to do anything, from partying, to movies, to lan'ing, to manual labor....and he does them all well. To me though... he is at his best when the outer shell cracks a bit. He has a quiet sadness to him, and few get to see it. He has been dealt a few bad hands, and few would ever know it to look at him. He takes things on the chin, and rarely complains. He is a man who you know would do absolutely anything for the right girl, and for his friends. He is the epitome of youth, yet he often shows his age. Paradoxial, secretive, and utterly loyal.
Jess: Where has the pixie gone? My breath of fresh air, our bright one. The fun, vivacious, lively, little one...with the eternal smile. I loved our talks, when no one was around, and your ability to brighten any situation, no matter how bad. I miss you greatly, and I am not alone.
Amy: Who needs no introduction. Troubled, outspoken, and oft jilted.... but so quick to laugh. You so often were a mystery to me. You alone could find ways into bad situations, but so easily move on after a fall. You remind me of April, in many ways, and I think this is why I felt so comfortable with you. But just as much, you were one of the hardest ones for me to understand. You were on the outside somewhat superficial...emotional, dramatic.... but I always knew there was a deepness that few got to see. As with Jess, it kills me that you are no longer here. And I cant wait to see you again.
Em: I cannot forget about you, my little sister. So mysterious, misunderstood, and martyred. You, of all of us, have learned harsh lessons from mistakes...but have best shown how to learn from them, and accept responsibility. I always felt that you were a troubled soul, searching and searching for yourself...and peace. I liked you so much, and do to this day, because I saw myself in you. Your thoughts, from what I can interpret, mimiced mine, and though I could not understand your actions....I think I can understand your motives.
April: You, for lack of a better term, complete me. She is the yin to my yang, the coke to my pepsi, the chocolate to my vanilla. In 10 years, I feel I have only learned a fraction of all there is to her, and I cant wait to find out more. She is the firey one, an outspoken introvert, a nervous sarcastic, a realist. She is the emotion to my logic, she is the music to my science. She is everything that I have not yet discovered about myself. She forgives as quickly as she angers. She will be a perfect mom. She is sensitive, and protective. She is emotional, and sometimes irrational. She admits imperfections, and asks for acceptance. She probably has the most to say, but feels getting it out right is the hardest thing of all. I could not imagine being with anyone else.
Amadon: At one time, I had understood you more than anyone. That is why this past year has hurt so bad. You are troubled...and it must be tearing you apart inside. I know how deep you run, and how acutely you feel things. Why must you numb yourself? Why have you shut us out? Why have you shut me out? This fiasco that has existed over the past month will go away...but it is not ending well. You asked in your blog why your friends did not support you. We admitted it...and I have tried so hard over this past month to make things right. How have I been rewarded? Ive been promised and left hanging, Ive been put off, messages ignored. I cant do it anymore. I sat down the other day and thought about what the last time you actually called me was, when you werent calling asking for help with something. You know what is sad? I cant remember. I honestly cant. I am beyond mad at the situation, beyond mad at you, beyond mad at Josie, and beyond mad how everyone...myself included handled everything. I am hurt. And this one goes deep. I feel like you have lied to me, I feel like you have ignored my attempts to fix this, I feel like you have made promises that you intended not to keep. Someone has lied to me... and it kills me to think that. Do you know how many times THIS MONTH you said you were "coming right over" and never showed up. 4. 4! One of those times I had asked both you and Josie seperately whether you could hang out. Both conversations gave me an "We had nothing planned, it should be ok", then suddenly it was "Oh, I promised to go grochery shopping, and I cant come over after that". Then I find out you didnt go. It is one excuse after another. Either she is lying to me that it is ok that you come and see us, or you are lying to me that you even want to. You have changed considerably, and often times beyond my comprehension. You were like a brother to me. Now I hear news of you second hand, and from what I hear it scares the hell out of me. What do you think about at night when you sit alone in the dark. What feelings crawl back into you that are so bad that you have to push them out, or numb them, or retreat into a fantasy world. What keeps drawing me to to...and what keeps me from being like everyone else and just giving up on you. It eats at me, and it feels like something is missing from what I want. I am hanging onto one last shred of the past.... but it is slipping, and has slipped more this month than ever. I dont understand you anymore....
Myself: April has pinned me exactly. I always am looking for something. I have a good life, a good job, and should be comfortable. I am happy, yet misplaced at the same time. The worst of it is that I honestly dont know what I am looking for, or why I cant stop when I know that I am happy. I often feel like the quiet one, and I just dont know what to say half of the time. I am a protector, and am prone to wishing things were "like they were". I have changed, but am the hardest to accept it. I think I have developed a quiet arrogance about me, and I dont like it. I dont feel like I deserve half of what I have. I am however patient, and I dont anger easily, unless it is anger at myself. I sometimes lie to friends and family alike, even if there is no reason to. I try to understand everything, which is both a blessing and a curse. The thought of eventual fatherhood scares the death out of me, but at the same time is the one thing I desperately want to be good at. I miss my camaro, lakewood, and leaving mcdonalds bags on Amadons garbage can. I miss my parents, and regret most that I cannot relate to them or have patience with them, for all they have given me. Even with all the bad stuff that I have gone through with them, now they would do anything for me. I am tense, wound up, and tired. I feel older than I am, with small sparks of youthfull carelessness that hit me from time to time. I love those times. I am a sucker for kittens. I love my wife more than anything in the whole world.
Now, before you get all "Kevin, get out of the past" on me let me elaborate.
It is the same.... but the players have changed. (and what follows is my views)
Doug: Out of all of us, Doug has changed the most in situation, but the least relative to "who he really is" Doug is, has been, and always will be... one eccentric SOB. Some feel he is just plain weird. To me, that is what makes Doug. In all honesty he has never changed to me...with the exception of becoming a father. And as to that, pre-birth, I had some doubts....as did he im sure. I never thought of what Doug would be like as a dad, couldnt see him playing with kids, or having the patience. This is Doug's change. He still is odd, he still does thing's "his way", and he still takes off on long walks with no other purpose than going. But Doug has gained patience, and gained a lot of responsibility, and probably is the most humble person you will ever meet. But the one thing that always draws me to Doug is his ability to dream. He has never fully "quit" on the idea of "the band", after all that has happened. He still draws, and dreams of doing comics. He looks at things as "could be's". I envy that...as looking forward often brings me more worries than anything else. He has always helped me when I asked, without question, complaint or excuse. I owe him more than he knows.
Butto: He's changed, but he will never admit it. He, out of any of us, still probably has the most energy compared to the high school years. He puts up a great front of vitality, energy, intelligence. He is one of the few people who can talk about things that most other people have never heard of. He is always up to do anything, from partying, to movies, to lan'ing, to manual labor....and he does them all well. To me though... he is at his best when the outer shell cracks a bit. He has a quiet sadness to him, and few get to see it. He has been dealt a few bad hands, and few would ever know it to look at him. He takes things on the chin, and rarely complains. He is a man who you know would do absolutely anything for the right girl, and for his friends. He is the epitome of youth, yet he often shows his age. Paradoxial, secretive, and utterly loyal.
Jess: Where has the pixie gone? My breath of fresh air, our bright one. The fun, vivacious, lively, little one...with the eternal smile. I loved our talks, when no one was around, and your ability to brighten any situation, no matter how bad. I miss you greatly, and I am not alone.
Amy: Who needs no introduction. Troubled, outspoken, and oft jilted.... but so quick to laugh. You so often were a mystery to me. You alone could find ways into bad situations, but so easily move on after a fall. You remind me of April, in many ways, and I think this is why I felt so comfortable with you. But just as much, you were one of the hardest ones for me to understand. You were on the outside somewhat superficial...emotional, dramatic.... but I always knew there was a deepness that few got to see. As with Jess, it kills me that you are no longer here. And I cant wait to see you again.
Em: I cannot forget about you, my little sister. So mysterious, misunderstood, and martyred. You, of all of us, have learned harsh lessons from mistakes...but have best shown how to learn from them, and accept responsibility. I always felt that you were a troubled soul, searching and searching for yourself...and peace. I liked you so much, and do to this day, because I saw myself in you. Your thoughts, from what I can interpret, mimiced mine, and though I could not understand your actions....I think I can understand your motives.
April: You, for lack of a better term, complete me. She is the yin to my yang, the coke to my pepsi, the chocolate to my vanilla. In 10 years, I feel I have only learned a fraction of all there is to her, and I cant wait to find out more. She is the firey one, an outspoken introvert, a nervous sarcastic, a realist. She is the emotion to my logic, she is the music to my science. She is everything that I have not yet discovered about myself. She forgives as quickly as she angers. She will be a perfect mom. She is sensitive, and protective. She is emotional, and sometimes irrational. She admits imperfections, and asks for acceptance. She probably has the most to say, but feels getting it out right is the hardest thing of all. I could not imagine being with anyone else.
Amadon: At one time, I had understood you more than anyone. That is why this past year has hurt so bad. You are troubled...and it must be tearing you apart inside. I know how deep you run, and how acutely you feel things. Why must you numb yourself? Why have you shut us out? Why have you shut me out? This fiasco that has existed over the past month will go away...but it is not ending well. You asked in your blog why your friends did not support you. We admitted it...and I have tried so hard over this past month to make things right. How have I been rewarded? Ive been promised and left hanging, Ive been put off, messages ignored. I cant do it anymore. I sat down the other day and thought about what the last time you actually called me was, when you werent calling asking for help with something. You know what is sad? I cant remember. I honestly cant. I am beyond mad at the situation, beyond mad at you, beyond mad at Josie, and beyond mad how everyone...myself included handled everything. I am hurt. And this one goes deep. I feel like you have lied to me, I feel like you have ignored my attempts to fix this, I feel like you have made promises that you intended not to keep. Someone has lied to me... and it kills me to think that. Do you know how many times THIS MONTH you said you were "coming right over" and never showed up. 4. 4! One of those times I had asked both you and Josie seperately whether you could hang out. Both conversations gave me an "We had nothing planned, it should be ok", then suddenly it was "Oh, I promised to go grochery shopping, and I cant come over after that". Then I find out you didnt go. It is one excuse after another. Either she is lying to me that it is ok that you come and see us, or you are lying to me that you even want to. You have changed considerably, and often times beyond my comprehension. You were like a brother to me. Now I hear news of you second hand, and from what I hear it scares the hell out of me. What do you think about at night when you sit alone in the dark. What feelings crawl back into you that are so bad that you have to push them out, or numb them, or retreat into a fantasy world. What keeps drawing me to to...and what keeps me from being like everyone else and just giving up on you. It eats at me, and it feels like something is missing from what I want. I am hanging onto one last shred of the past.... but it is slipping, and has slipped more this month than ever. I dont understand you anymore....
Myself: April has pinned me exactly. I always am looking for something. I have a good life, a good job, and should be comfortable. I am happy, yet misplaced at the same time. The worst of it is that I honestly dont know what I am looking for, or why I cant stop when I know that I am happy. I often feel like the quiet one, and I just dont know what to say half of the time. I am a protector, and am prone to wishing things were "like they were". I have changed, but am the hardest to accept it. I think I have developed a quiet arrogance about me, and I dont like it. I dont feel like I deserve half of what I have. I am however patient, and I dont anger easily, unless it is anger at myself. I sometimes lie to friends and family alike, even if there is no reason to. I try to understand everything, which is both a blessing and a curse. The thought of eventual fatherhood scares the death out of me, but at the same time is the one thing I desperately want to be good at. I miss my camaro, lakewood, and leaving mcdonalds bags on Amadons garbage can. I miss my parents, and regret most that I cannot relate to them or have patience with them, for all they have given me. Even with all the bad stuff that I have gone through with them, now they would do anything for me. I am tense, wound up, and tired. I feel older than I am, with small sparks of youthfull carelessness that hit me from time to time. I love those times. I am a sucker for kittens. I love my wife more than anything in the whole world.
posted by ss69camaro at 10:04 PM
4 Comments:
Okay, Karissa took the first thing I was going to say. It's kind of weird hearing about yourself like that, but you obviously put some good thought into it, because I can't really find anything about what you said that sounds off. For the record, I had my doubts, and still do.
Unfortunately, I do think you need to lose the idea that things will go back to the way they were. We're all evolving, moving on to different things, and how one person moves on has a butterfly effect on the group.
Well, I honestly dont think things will be the way they were. I understand things have to change, people change, Ive changed...etc. The post wasnt more longing for what isnt here anymore, but more sitting down and thinking about just how much is left, or how much has been gained.
I honestly dont pine away for the glory days, and I try my damnest to live in the moment. I probably just dont know when to give up and stop trying.
kevin ... it takes a very big person to examin ones self and then post to the world about it... i commend you. kevin you deserve everything you have and more, you have worked very hard for what you have and that is very respectible. If I can be in the same state of living you are when i get to be your age i will be happy. You will make a great dad, just as april will make an awesome mom. Most pepole would be happy to have parents half as good as the parents you both will be. You have been a good friend to me even though you knew nothing about me when we first met, yet i felt excepted by you and april right away, and thats not usually the case with me. I assume i am not excepted untill i have some sign otherwise. I cant thank you enough for everything you both have done for me... or for just being the cool people you are... we all wonder if what we are doing is the right thing to do (or at least i do all the time) its a horrible feeling, but its part of life and well theres no way arrround it. But from my point of view... kevin you are right on track! Dont worrie to much, things will work out however they are ment to. thanks again for being such a good friend, i dont think i would be in the same position as i am if it wern't for you 2 and the friends i have met through you. THANKS!
How I did not comment on this earlier is beyond me. Kevin, you're amazing. Your observations on people where dead on, every one... and Amanda, he doesn't know you well enough, don't feel too left out :) Besides that, you haven't changed that much!
I love you so much, Dear. I'm the lucky one... and I don't care if you are always looking for bigger and better... just as long as you don't look for a better wife, I'm fine. That drive is part of the reason I admire you so much. Thanks for not making me sound like a total hag. :)
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